11:33 AM I failed the Bar Exam.

Three. Three years of school. Three months of studying hours upon hours. Three days of testing. Three months of waiting. And I found out on October 21st at 11:33 am … I failed the Delaware Bar Exam.

It feels crazy. I truly can’t explain it. I went through a lot of things to get here. Right here … To a moment where I expected to feel relief, but instead I feel chaotic.

I told some friends that pass or fail “someone needs your story exactly how it’s written.” But I never thought I’d be the one to live it. Let alone write about it. I chose to write because of that reason alone … I’m not the only one to live it.

I feel forced into a moment of transparency I never imagined I would go through. But truthfully, as much as I don’t want to talk about it, I want to encourage someone who will go through it in the future. I feel like social media highlights so many wins, that people forget we’re all human. We all take losses. I’ve just chosen to take this loss out loud. And maybe God knew that I would do just that, “take this loss … out loud” despite wanting to crawl into a ditch.

So …. yea, I feel a lot of things. Sadness, hurt, embarrassment, anxiety, and frustration. And I’m disappointed in a lot of things, including myself. I feel bad for myself, but also the people who believed in me. For the ones who prayed for me.

• People say “All things work together for the good of those who love God.” … Hard to believe when it’s been trial after tribulation after hurt after disappointment … right?
• People say “God is good all the time” … Hard to believe when this moment feels everything but good.
• People say “God hears your heart” … Truly harder to believe when everyone prayed for the opposite outcome.

They say the Delaware Bar exam is one of the hardest in the nation. I believe it. In my mind that doesn’t change the fact that some people passed and I didn’t. One of the craziest parts might be that I’ll never even know what I did “wrong” on the exam. Now, I’m shooting in the dark trying to figure out what I can do better.

However, I’m also trying to be hopeful.

Hopeful that God will do what he always does: (1) pick me back up and (2) give me the courage to try again.

Hopeful that this story inspires someone else. Inspires the family of a girl in a city like Chester, PA to pick everything up, empty their savings if they have to, and take a chance in a different place. And when it gets hard, I hope they keep going. And when things get harder, I hope SHE keeps going. That she always looks forward but also remembers the growth that came from what’s behind her. However, I also hope that she never lets those memories hold her hostage.

I hope this moment inspires people, not to “take chances” on girls like her, but to truly believe that she is resilient. Please know she wants to succeed, she’s just trying to figure out how. Not perfect. Just trying. Trying, failing, hurting, and desperate to get up anyway.

From a girl with so many encouraging words, this is all I have to describe this moment. I hope that someone looks at this post and is inspired to keep going forward even after the outcome is not what you expected. I hope you trust God even when you feel like he can’t hear you. I hope you believe that God has a plan even after you’ve been disappointed again. I hope you don’t see obstacles as deterrents, but you view them as opportunities that will one day make you stronger.

I just want to thank everyone who prayed for me, believed in me, contacted me before and/or after the exam. Despite the outcome, God heard you. I’m making the decision to keep going. I just have to get back out on the water first. One thing I do know is … that despite everything I believe that God is with me. & if God is with me, nothing in this world can stop me. We’re going to get it next time. Bet.

Note: This is a moment of Transparency. With real feelings from a real person.

I also want to take a moment to express my excitement for my friends. I am SO PROUD of every person I know who passed the bar exam no matter where it was in the nation. I love that for them. I want their success as bad as I want my own.